


Undertow

by clenchedhands



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Mental Institution, Anxiety, Depression, Falling In Love, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hospitalization, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Institutions, Multi, Other, Suicide Attempt, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-17
Updated: 2017-10-17
Packaged: 2019-01-17 12:17:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12365622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clenchedhands/pseuds/clenchedhands
Summary: The first thing Sugawara was aware of was the rhythmic beeping of the machine above him. The second was the smell of antiseptic. The third, that he wasn't dead.(In which Suga is admitted to a mental hospital. Please read the notes.)





	Undertow

**Author's Note:**

> OK so. A few things to preface this piece:
> 
> I am not writing this to romanticize mental hospitals. I have been to one more than once, and I know how much it sucks. Also, I don't think it's a good idea to get into a relationship at one either (the main ship is daisuga with others in the bg). If you're there, its so you can get better not hook up. With that said, this is a work of fiction, and also a kind of personal piece. (PLease dont compare this to its kind of a funny story i hate that movie sm)
> 
> There will be details of self harm, suicide, trauma, and other mental health stuff. If you believe this will trigger you, please do not read this, I do not want to make anyone upset. probs a bit ooc bc none of them explicitly have these issues in the actual show but i guess that goes without saying
> 
> Otherwise, I hope you enjoy it.

The first thing Sugawara Koushi is aware of is the rhythmic beeping of the machine above him. The second is the smell of antiseptic. The third, that he isn't dead. With a jerk that earned him a crick in the neck, Suga’s eyes opened and he shot into a sitting position. For a moment, everything was blurry and bright. As his eyes adjusted, the only things that registered in his mind were the pounding headache, ringing in his ears, and a feeling vague confusion. With creased brows, Suga looked around the room and unwrapped his upper body from the blankets he was tucked under. When he lifted his arm, several tubes and wires went with it, and he grimaced at the soreness where the IV was attached. He stared at it as if it wasn’t his arm, blinking slowly at the sight of several bruises, a burn, and many, many cuts that were littered across his arms.

With a jolt, everything rushed back Suga, and his throat closed up in panic as last night’s memories flooded his brain.

_Suga stared down at himself, as if he were floating in the air watching a TV show, but it was him in the screen. TV Suga’s hands were shaking, spilling the pills left in the bottle. He reached out for the bottle next to him, drinking deeply, ignoring the burn in his throat as it flowed down to pool in his stomach. The Suga who was watching felt nothing, but was aware that the Suga below him was about to lose consciousness. With detached anxiety, floating Suga merged back with TV Suga. For the first time in almost twelve hours, he was inside his head, painfully aware of everything. Two seconds later he was aware of nothing._

Great, he was in a hospital again, for the same reason as four years ago. Breaking him out of his reverie, a nurse came over, speaking gently, “Good, you’re awake. How are you feeling, Sugawara-san?”

“Uh,” Suga’s voice was rough, and he wasn’t really sure how to answer. He looked at the nurse’s kind face for several seconds before responding, “I’m… okay?”

“Alright, well I’ll get you some breakfast, okay hun? Later the doctor will pop in to talk to you.” With a quick glance at the monitors behind him, the nurse began to leave.

“Uhm,” Suga’s voice cracked, and he cleared his voice. “I need to use the restroom…”

“Of course! I’ll send in your sitter,” Pulling the curtain behind her, the nurse was gone. 

Suga’s sit in nurse came in a moment later and led him to the bathroom. Suga began to close the bathroom door, but the nurse stopped him.

“Sorry, I won’t watch, but we can’t let you be by yourself so the door has to stay open,” His voice had a bit of sympathy in it as he proceeded to stand outside the bathroom with the door cracked open. Suga finished quickly, and walked back to his bed, where food was waiting for him. The nurse went to a chair in the corner of his room and sat down, pulling out a book. Realizing that he was starving, Suga ate quickly, ignoring the fact that the eggs were definitely from a powder. He got back in bed and looked around the room, finding a clock that read eleven in the morning. With a yawn, he grabbed the remote next to his bed an flicked on the TV to some soap opera so there would be background noise.

Suga allowed his mind to wonder, trying to sort out the haze that was persistently clouding his thoughts. Who had called the ambulance? Did his parents know? How soon could he get out? Suga frowned, and looked around some more. He could hear the TV on in the space across from him, beyond his curtain. Someone was coughing to his right. There was a chair next to his bed, pulled up as if someone had been sitting there. His mom, maybe. Suga picked at his chapped lips, realizing slowly that if he can’t leave soon, he’ll miss his midterm. He was half way through his sophomore year in college, and his English teacher was especially strict. Fumbling, he looked around him for his things. Obviously, he had been changed into a hospital gown, and he spotted his clothes in a plastic box, his phone sitting on top. Suga grabbed it and groaned at the flurry of notification, that were only increasing as he stared.

With a sigh, he opened the messages. There were fifteen from his roommate, Keiji Akaashi, and guilt filled his gut as he realized what that meant. Akaashi was usually quiet, and he was notorious for texting one word replies to a paragraph of text.

 

**Akaashi:**

suga

you know you can talk to me right

i know ive been busy with all the classes im taking, but I just want you to know that I care about you

youre not just a good roommate youre also a good friend

i wish you told me that you were feeling so bad, but I know i cant blame you for what you did

…

but that doesnt make me any less mad. if you had died, i would have resurrected you so i could kill you myself. 

 

The messages continued, and there were some from his parents, and his college friends. With each message, his headache grew, until Suga had to put down his phone to pinch the bridge of his nose. He felt hot tears streak down his face and with each new wave of memories coming back to him from last night, his crying picked up until he was full-on sobbing. His chest heaved with effort and his shoulders shook intensely. The nurse silently walked over with a box of tissues, and Suga took them gratefully, knowing that he is quite the ugly crier. His mind was racing, and he realized that Akaashi was probably the one who had called the ambulance, and most likely notified Suga’s parents. He opened the texts from his mother, and read them quickly. They were along the same lines as his roommate’s concerns, but with added worrying and an ‘I love you’ at the end. Biting his lip again, he dialed in her number and pressed call. It rang twice before she picked up.

 

“Koushi? How are you? I was there while you were unconscious. Did you eat? Are you feeling better? I’m at work right now, your father and I were really worried, we -“ Suga’s mother is gentle, with a good sense of humor and a tendency to ramble on when she’s anxious. She was obviously quite anxious.

“Uh,” 

“Oh, I’m sorry sweetie, I’m just worried. You had been doing so well, what happened?”

“I- I don’t really know.” His reply was lackluster and his voice trailed off at the end.

“Ok, well, you’ve made it through this before. I’ll be there in a couple hours. Do you want me to bring you anything?”

“No, thank you.” Suga opened and closed his mouth three times, a couple tears still trickling down his face before saying, “I’m sorry, mom. I really don’t know how it got like this, I’m really sorry for doing this to you. Again.”

“Oh, sweetie,” Suga’s mother’s voice wavered as she replied, “It’s okay. I’ll be there soon, we can talk more then, alright?”

“Y-yeah,”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

 

He hung up and stared at the phone for who knows how long, his thoughts jumping from place to place. His mother was so strong, but she often shouldered too much by herself without asking for help. Which is definitely where Suga got his care-taker personality from. Suga’s crying reduced to sporadic hiccups as the doctor entered the room. She was tall, with platinum blonde hair and a positive face.

“Hello, Sugawara-san,” She pulled up the extra rolling chair in the corner, and reached out to shake Suga’s hand. “My name is Dr. Alisa Haiba, and I will be your doctor for the rest of today.”

“Nice to meet you,” Suga’s voice was just above a whisper, still strained from crying.

“I’m just going to ask you a few questions, if you could answer them as fully as you can, that would be great.” Her voice was steady and reassuring as she opened her laptop. Suga nodded, and the doctor proceeded with her questions.

They were the typical questions asked in these situations, and as he answered the doctor made notes on the laptop. Have you ever wanted to hurt yourself or others? Yes. Do you feel that way right now? I don’t really know… Do you have a current suicide plan? No. Did you have a plan when you attempted most recently? Not really. Have you attempted in the past? Yes. Was this prompted by any specific trauma? No.

The questions continued for about ten minutes before the doctor stood up and smiled. “Well, if you need anything, I will be here until midnight and there will always be a sit in nurse to help you as well. We will have a psychiatrist come in to further evaluate possible treatment as soon as one is available.”

Suga nodded mutely, fatigue taking hold of his body. Since he woke up, he had been going between feeling enormously overwhelmed and completely empty. But right now, he just felt exhausted. It seemed like it was a lifetime ago when he last was in this position, when it was only four years ago. In the back of his mind, he knew this was coming. But because of how busy school has gotten, Suga chose to ignore the warning signs, and now here he was. Suga’s eyelids grew heavy, and with the beeping of the heart monitor and the vague nose from the TV to keep him company, he fell into restless sleep.

Suga slipped in and out of his nap several times and ate both lunch and dinner before the psychiatrist arrived. He looked like one might expect - around his late forties and wearing glasses. His face was kind and held a boyish softness punctuated by his clean shaven face. Suga turned his attention away from the TV which was currently showing a re-run of last week’s volleyball nationals tournament. The psychiatrist introduced himself as Ittetsu Takeda, and asked a similar set of questions as the doctor before him.

“How much do you remember from when your were brought here, to the ER?” Dr. Ittetsu looked up from his laptop, gazing steadily as Suga.

“I remember what, uh, how I… attempted,” The vividness of the night before was still there, but from when he took the pills to when he arrived at the ER wasn’t clear. “But I don’t remember how I got here, or what happened when I did.”

The doctor hummed before replying, “Okay, well, I will have the nurse who tended to you last night make a copy of her check in so you can read what we observed. Doctor Haiba and I believe it is a good idea for you to be placed in a psychiatric hospital, for a stay of at least seven days.”

“What?” Suga’s brain leapt to keep up with what the doctor was saying. He tried to remember what happened, but all he could was that he had his stomach pumped. “Was I that bad? I mean, I have exams, I can’t really afford to take time off and besides I feel fine now. Or, um, okay… ish.”

His eyes were sympathetic as he said, “Well, you can read the report and I will come back after talking with Dr. Haiba. If you still feel that way, I’m sure we can work something out that both keeps you safe and able to keep up with school.” 

“R-right,” mumbled Suga as the doctor turned and left. He popped in at the nurse’s station and grabbed the report, handing it to Suga before saying farewell. Suga steeled himself, and read the report.

_“The patient has been identified as Sugawara Koushi, age 23, male, 5’8.7”, 142 lbs. Arrived at 0200. Admitted to ICU at 0530. The following was observed: the patient says that he couldn’t control his body when he overdosed and that a voice told him to take the pills. Additionally, he admitted to acting upon self-harm urges, including burning, cutting, and hitting. When he arrived in the ER, he was bound to the gurney and the EMS responder told us he was violent, and was currently sedated. After blood tests were run, we identified several psychiatric drugs (listed in Appendix A) as well as alcohol in his system. After pumping the patient’s stomach, the sedatives, which were short acting, wore off and he became belligerent. The patient tried to strangle himself with a strap that came loose before we administered another sedative through his IV.”_

Suga looked up from the page. Static filled his ears, his eyes, his heart, white noise pouring into his being. _Well fuck._ He was not going to. Be able to lie his way out of this one. He stared at the bruise forming around where the IV was put in. He felt the white noise expand, pushing him up and out of himself. The air tasted burned and electric, his lungs burning. Suga blinked once, twice, and then he was no longer in his own body. The room span as he floated above himself. The Suga still in the hospital ripped out the needle, tossing it to the ground. He pulled off the stickers connecting him to the heart-monitoring system, watching them scatter across the floor before getting off the bed and throwing the blanket to the floor. 

The nurse stood up, eyes wide with shock. Words came out of his mouth, but neither Suga could hear. They were suspended in the air, letters swaying in the wind. Another nurse came in, then another. Suga dug his fingers into his arm and the scabbed over cuts bled anew. One of the nurses spoke again, the letters bouncing right over Suga’s head. White noise, beeping, white noise, beeping. His vision tunneled and a steady thrum of bass-like noise expanded in his head. 

There was a yell, something pushing him, falling and falling and falling.

 

There was nothing.

**Author's Note:**

> yeah ive been mulling over whether or not to publish this for a while, and ive decided, what the heck ill just do it. uh i hope you liked it, this chapter is kinda set up for the rest of the story. if you find something that you think is problematic you can definitely approach me about it, but this is really based off personal experience so everyones opinions will be different. like i said earlier, this is in no way to be like hey look at how cool it is to be mentally ill u should fall in love in a mental hospital - dont do that. so yeah hope u liked it catch me on tumblr @kimchi-babe


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